A Story I Learned From my Mom

by Amanda S.

My mother was in a domestically violent marriage and it took her 17 years to be

set free from the abuse. I have listened to stories on the news or website articles talking

about all types of domestic violence and it’s awful, but my mom’s story made me feel

some type of way and it made me think. She is a very sweet and excellent teacher who

cares for others deeply; it’s hard to imagine how she entirely lost her sense of worth and

practically basic human rights due to one person. My mother’s experience with domestic

violence has opened my eyes to the characteristics of abusive people and made me

beware of letting myself fall into that situation.

 

What is thought of abusive partners? That they have a stereotypical aggressive

and harmful nature, which seems to be easy to avoid. However, many abusers are

excellent liars and put on a persona to get their way or trick others. In my mother’s

words, her ex partner was the most caring and courteous man she’s ever met. He would

be friendly to everyone around her, like friends and family, and made her feel special.

Nevertheless, there was a warning sign telling her she was in a bad relationship. She

met his family for the first time and they discussed getting married, but his sisters pulled

my mother to the side and warned her not to marry him. They told her he was in reality

mean and disrespectful to their own mother and it would be best not to marry him. She

couldn’t fathom the words she was hearing; how could someone be so sweet and loving

but also be cruel and mean? Well, after getting married he started to loosen his

persona and show his true self: an aggressive and controlling partner.

 

For myself, my first question was “if he started to get controlling why didn’t she

leave early on into the marriage?” Well, in her experience it wasn’t that easy. Early on in

the marriage they shared a bank account, but back in her time she was told that the

male in the marriage had main control of the bank account. Her partner used that to his

advantage to control her. He would use the money for whatever he wanted and only

allow my mom to use a certain amount of money on the important things like bills, rent,

groceries, etc. Then he started to only allow her to talk to certain people in her life and

even then he would have to listen in on the conversation; his friend would spy on her at

work here and there to give him a report on whom she talked to or what she was doing

in general. If my mother was wearing something he didn’t care for, he would tell her to

change. Lastly, something I personally think is really messed up, he would track the gas

and mileage on their car (because they only had one car they shared) and time the

route she took to get to work and home. This made my mom absolutely scared

because she drove past a railroad track on her way home and at times she had to stop

for the train. She would be shaking with fear of being yelled at and accused of going

somewhere else or meeting with someone else. I asked my mother why she didn't leave

earlier and she had three main reasons. He had control of her hard working money and

she couldn’t take out money to be able to leave on her own. She did try to leave and

stay with family for a few days to a week and according to her he had a charismatic

charm to him, he would plead for her to come back and make false promises to get

better. Lastly, she is a Christian and really believes in her faith. At the time, she didn’t

believe in divoice at all and she had hoped the marriage would get better. Not only did

he control her physical life and what she did, he changed her mental state a lot.

 

Not only do abusive partners have dishonest and controlling characteristics, they

manipulate anything and everything to put the blame on someone else. According to my

mother, her abusive partner would do this all the time. In any argument or disagreement

he would reverse the blame on himself to my mother, making her feel like she was in

the wrong. Even if an argument wasn’t going on he would casually point out something

my mother did wrong or, how she’s likes to put it, “something he didn’t approve of. ''

Whenever she stood up for herself, she would either be yelled at or encounter physical

abuse from him. He threatened and even attempted (to put this gently) to put an end to

my mother. This type of verbal abuse lasted for over a decade; the constant blaming

and pointing out little nick-picky things became the norm for her. It changed her mental

state and she felt like her opinion meant nothing, so she kept silent; she felt like being

herself wasn’t an option, so she became who he wanted her to be; and she felt

completely scared to leave, in fear his threats and attempts would be successful. After

seventeen years she gained the courage to file a divorce and leave. She struggled to

live on her own by living paycheck to paycheck and having dozens of court battles with

the divorce. However, leaving her abusive husband helped my mother tremendously;

she gained her happiness and her self worth back and realized that the relationship she

was in was not love, but a nightmare.

 

My mother’s experience really opened my eyes to the characteritics abusers

have and to be wary not to let them in my life. I'm proud that she was able to leave;

thousands and thousands of partners experience domestic violence every year. They

are either too scared to leave or just blinded to see what’s happening in front of them. I

pray and hope I will never be in that type of relationship, but I could be blinded by lies

and a fake persona a partner hides behind. I learned so many characteristics an abuser

can have and tactics an abuser can use through my mother’s story that if I do get myself

into that situation I know what to look for and know when it's better to leave.